Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You need Xanax blowdarts
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
