why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
