oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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