she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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