Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
