well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
