i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I pour the whiskey from now on
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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