I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
