dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
