just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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