Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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