I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
