The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
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