You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
