He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
