U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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