now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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