and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
