my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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