You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
