The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
