Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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