Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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