I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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