I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
