I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
