I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
