Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
