last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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