I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
