she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
