I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
