I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
