they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
