Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize