I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize