I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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