I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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