My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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