Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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