there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
