Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
