dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
