I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
