Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
