Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize