life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
