No awkward lesbian experiences without me
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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