There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
