Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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