When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
