Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
