so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
