You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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