apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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