I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
3pm strippers are depressing
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
