Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize