you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
