I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
