I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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