whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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