that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
