remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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