You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
