I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
