i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
