Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
